Very often what we say “arrives” in others’ ears in a completely different way. When that other person is your boss things can get even more complicated.

We give you examples of What you say vs. What your boss understands in some specific work situations:

 

• When you give your boss negative feedback
• When you share a problem with your boss
• When you tell your boss that you don’t like something
• When you want a promotion or a bigger salary

 

And of course – some tips on What to say instead.

 

When you give your boss negative feedback

 

1. What you say:

“You often blame me and the team for being slow and not delivering on time. In this way, you create tension and make the process difficult.”

2. What your boss understands:

“They blame me for getting in the way of the team and refusing to follow the rules.”

3. What actually happens:

You activate your boss’s defensive barriers because: you put too much focus on his mistake, you generalize, and you don’t talk about something specific. And in the end, your boss feels directly blamed.

4. What to say instead:

“Last Wednesday, after the meeting with the client, you gathered our entire team in the hall and told us that the deadline is approaching, and you don’t believe that we will be able to complete the features of the project. It made me feel demotivated and it became difficult for me to be productive in my work. I’d rather you ask us what you can help us with to get it done in time.”

 

When you share a problem with your boss

 

1. What you say:

“The Microsoft Project Server we use to manage project tasks is no longer working for me. It takes me 2 hours a day to enter my colleagues’ tasks because no one else on the team has access to create tasks. I became the team secretary. There’s nothing I can do.”

2. What your boss understands:

“I am glad that they trusted me and shared this problem with me. They have identified issues. At the same time, I want them to try to find a solution.”
(if your boss is a good leader)
“Don’t bring me problems, bring me solutions!”
(if your boss is a mediocre leader)

3. What actually happens:

You only focus on the problem. It sounds like you’re expecting your boss to give you a ready-made solution. This makes you sound reactive because you don’t show that you took the time and effort to think of a solution yourself.

4. What to say instead:

“I have a problem with Microsoft Project Server. What I have tried so far is that I searched for a free tool that will be more convenient for me and the team to manage tasks. I also spoke with a colleague who can help me with the setup.”

 

When you tell your boss that you don’t like something

 

1. What you say:

“I don’t like remote work. For me, it’s dysfunctional because I miss the social interaction with colleagues.”

2. What your boss understands:

“Oh, they’re still unhappy and just moan.”

3. What actually happens:

You focus only on the negative and only on what YOU don’t like. And in the end, you come out as a disgruntled self-centered whiner.

4. What to say instead:

“For me, remote work does not work in some cases, such as when we have brainstorming meetings or a general team discussion on some strategic topic. I think in these cases I will be more productive in the discussions if we are together live and not on Zoom. Want to try working once a week from a coworking space?”

 

When you want a promotion or a bigger salary

 

1. What you say:

“I’m the lowest paid on the team. I want you to promote me and get more money.”

2. What your boss understands:

“They are a selfish and money-driven person.”

3. What actually happens:

It sounds like you are selfish and care about only yourself and your needs. Your boss will think that you are in this performance review meeting only FOR YOU, to get paid more.

4. What to say instead:

“How can I be guaranteed to be involved in projects that are critical to the strategic future of the company?”

 

To summarize:

Avoid words like “you” and those that generalize because you will sound accusatory. Don’t focus solely on the problem. Show intent to resolve the issue. Share that you are considering and looking for options for a solution. Demonstrate collaboration and less self-centeredness.

Because when everyone else is selfish and demanding to their boss → the collaborative, proactive, and valuable team players win!