Does vulnerability have a place at work?
Vasi is here 🙂
This dose is one I’d give my son to read when he grows up. And not because I think it’s some kind of masterpiece…
But simply because I want him to have real meaningful connections with the people around him.
This is for you, Bobby ♡
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Estimated reading time: 7 minutes, 27 seconds.
What’s the issue about?
This dose is about vulnerability and what being vulnerable really is, what it isn’t, and what it does for us.
All this is written by a person who… doesn’t show it at all ().
But she has had quite a few situations in which she has realized how many problems have arisen as a result of this non-showing.
But then she is lucky to work with a person who shows it (Hari).
(it’s crazy to talk about yourself in 3rd person huh? Which doesn’t mean it’s not my favorite…)
Hari and I recently recorded an episode of our Radio Tochka 2 podcast on the topic of vulnerability and when to use it. Several things came out as output from our conversation. For myself, I realized that if I had been more vulnerable, I could have saved myself a number of major headaches and brought me a much more fulfilling relationship with the people around me. I’ve said that writing helps me think through and realize the things I want to explore further:
==> Sooooo, yeah, it’s dose-time!
Myths and prejudices about vulnerability are something that have really interested me since I watched Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart miniseries.
(by the way, if you are interested in exploring this topic in depth – this is the name you need. The topic is at the center of all of Brené Brown’s research work.)
Let’s start first with: What is vulnerability?
In Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown gives the following definition: “Vulnerability is the emotion that we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.”
Let’s dispel some myths about the taboo topic “vulnerability at work”.
Okay, the biggest myth is:
Myth: Being vulnerable means you’re weak
In fact: Vulnerability is a STRENGTH.
You can show vulnerability and sound confident at the same time.
Example:
“We are a small company and payments are critical to our existence. Full prepayment in advance is not negotiable for us.”
This is a real-life example from a conversation we attended. A big corporation was trying to negotiate with our partner – a small company. Its demand was that the big company make an advance payment of the entire contract amount.
The reaction of the big company: “What?!?! This is absurd in these days. There’s no way…”
Above is the response of the small company, which despite showing vulnerability (“We are a small company and the payments are critical to our existence”) sounded confident, openly stating its position.
And one more thing from Brené Brown: “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” → Vulnerability is the courage to show yourself and be seen.
And here we can’t talk about weakness, right?
Myth: I will only show vulnerability if I am confident in the other person that they will not use it against me
In fact: Vulnerability goes hand in hand with the possibility of negative consequences for the one who exhibits it. Showing vulnerability is not a safe bet.
It’s vulnerability to trust a person, revealing yourself, with no historical reasons to do so, and with the clear idea that you might get hurt.
I continue with my favorite myth – a common one in the dev teams we work with:
Myth: There is no room for feelings at work, we are here to work!
In fact: Whether people on the team show vulnerability is a signal of how good your team climate is.
Hari and I have discussed that in the team coaching sessions, they hold with dev teams, the teams usually go to one extreme or the other:
In most teams, people rarely dare to share that they have a problem or need help. They don’t share anything about themselves. Connecting on a purely personal and human level is out of the question. The pursuit of results comes first, in most cases at the expense of a good team climate (Anxiety Zone).
At the other extreme are teams where people avoid holding themselves accountable for achieving results because they don’t want to jeopardize the friendly atmosphere that reigns in the team. They place more emphasis on sharing, friendly relationships, and team harmony (Comfort Zone).
But we rarely realize that both can be combined and balanced: a team in which there is a great team climate and performance pressure towards great results (Learning Zone).
In the Learning Zone team manages to balance human relationships and a friendly atmosphere in which people can calmly share difficulties and concerns, but at the same time not deviate from their goals and the results they want to achieve.
If people show vulnerability at work, it means that there is psychological safety in the team.
The easiest guide for this is how often these 4 phrases are heard in your team:
– I don’t know
– I made a mistake
– I’m sorry
– I need help
(The phrases are from the book of Amy Edmondson “The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth”)
All phrases express vulnerability and also encourage others to do the same.
If the people in your team are vulnerable and supportive to each other – this means that they feel belonging and security in the team. Which makes you more resilient and stronger as a team.
Myth: Vulnerability is about exposing private and sensitive information
In fact: You don’t have to reveal everything, just something that YOU are okay with revealing.
Vulnerability is not oversharing. Showing vulnerability goes with setting boundaries. Simultaneously setting your own boundaries (the things you are safe to share with) and at the same time respecting the other person’s boundaries (is it okay for the other person to hear them).
If you continuously express a negative mood or attitude: pessimism, anxiety, insecurity, and irritation, this can infect the rest of your teammates. And become the bad apple.
“Selective Vulnerability” or opening up while still prioritizing everyone’s boundaries is the concept introduced by Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy. This is a short summary of their article “How Leaders Can Open Up to Their Teams Without Oversharing”.
Myth: Vulnerability is a sympathy-seeking tool
In fact: Vulnerability is just being… YOU. Authentically, without a mask, and accepting the thought that not everyone will like you.
But it is a way to build trust with the people you want to have long-term and fulfilling relationships with.
Showing vulnerability (sharing personal information, position, or experience) is key to building Affective Trust because it helps find common ground between you and the other person on a personal level.
(if you are interested, you can read two previous doses: Cognitive Trust vs Affective Trust and How the 2 types of trust are built.)
Myth: Showing vulnerability is a way to manipulate or to give excuses
In fact: When you show vulnerability, you should also share why you do it. Otherwise, you leave the other person wondering why you’re doing it. And when you leave a blank field in communication for the other person to fill – they are very likely to fill it with you trying to manipulate them or giving excuses.
It’s typical of me not to ask for help when I’m struggling with a task that I’m the owner of and responsible for. Thinking “I’ll fix the problem on my own!” could be the name of my biopic.
(okay, I went from talking in 3rd person to pitching my own biopic haha)
Words that Petya and Hari from the gang have heard from me more than once: “This SEO thing is hard to grasp and I’m slow to get it…”
Now let’s imagine with you that we step into the shoes of Petya and Hari ==> Vasi shares – great! But why is she sharing this… Her purpose may be:
a) she just wants to share her pain with us so that we can sympathize with her
b) just gives us a report on what she’s up to
c) wants to explain to us why she is late
d) well, maybe she wants us to help her?!
All of these reasons can be valid. But don’t leave your teammates guessing and feeling like they’re taking a quiz – let them know the purpose of your sharing:
For example: “This SEO thing is hard to grasp and I’m slow to get it…” + “I want someone to help me.”
Do you recognize any of these myths as your own?
If you’re like me – an introverted and non-sharing person – you can start with small steps. Start sharing a little something that you are comfortable with. Those 4 phrases are a safe start.
And remember that the backlash may not always be the most positive and supportive, but that doesn’t speak badly of you, does it?
If you have a case where your vulnerability is used against you – it speaks badly only for the other person. And it’s a test of your relationships.
Stay Healthy, my dear Pill-er!
– Vasi
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